My First sub

(Some names and places have been changed to protect the innocent and filthy) 

It was late 1999.  I was horny, as usual so fired up the PC.  It was dial up so it was torturous to stream any video, let alone porn!  So the porn had to be spectacular, to be worth the wait.

I don't remember what possessed me but I remember seeing a video on the website with the words 'abuse' and 'slut'. I got curious and clicked.  After a few minutes, which probably seemed a lifetime in comparison to today's broadband speeds, I was ready to watch, and hopefully wank.

It was my first BDSM video.  And my God, it was amazing.

Chains, flogging, anal, spanking... Where had this been my whole life?? I do remember cumming pretty fast (unusual for me, I could last for hours, just masturbating) and pausing the video, so I could watch it later without having to go back and suffer the sodding 'buffering'.

Over the next few days, I tried to watch as many of these videos as I could. Found the term 'BDSM' and was researching the term as best I could.  Bear in mind, that back then, Google was not the all-powerful entity it is now, and Wikipedia didn't exist, so some of my research was in libraries, magazines...  I rapidly realised that reading about it, learning of the intricacies and the psychological aspect of Dominating and submission would only get me so far.  I needed to bounce thoughts, ideas, opinions and kinks off other people.

I needed a sub to play with.

I joined a few message boards and chatrooms, calling myself the very inventive 'Kev24'. God, my imagination was astounding.  Now, anyone that's ever used these things will know that they are rife with trolls. Was back then, worse now. You can be anyone on the internet, which is it's biggest selling point and it's biggest flaw.

Chatted to many people that claimed to be sub, but were instead just happy to be spanked, or called names.  I needed more.  And the longer it went, the less hopeful I became.

I made friends on there, of course. I'm fairly personable and if you treat me right, I'll treat you right. Piss me off, or worse, piss off my friends or family, and we got a problem.  But one girl on there was very sweet to talk to.  Her name was Alex (it wasn't, but that was her psuedonym) and she was 17 at the time. She had a boyfriend, so it wasn't as if anything was going to come from it, and of course, she lived bloody miles away.

So my search continued, while my friendship with Alex blossomed.  She had turned 18 and It was about that time I was asked to go to Bristol/Cardiff to help out over there for a few months, and started using the name 'Khaos'.

By this stage, we were trusting each other enough to text (and again, back then, free texting was unheard of, so this was a big thing for both of us).  I can't remember exactly how it happened but I think it was a game of Truth or Dare one night.  Boredom has a lot to answer for...

We found out more about each other that night, than the weeks previously.  She was clearly a submissive but hadn't explored that side of her sexuality.  She wanted to be tied up, abused, called a slut, fucked up the arse, treated like a whore, and much more.  I was shocked. Shocked and horny, of course.  She found out how much all that turned me on.  We started leaving filthy voice mails to each other (and yes, we were both still with our partners at the time, shamefully) but this was what I needed to be.  I needed to be Dominant, I needed a sub to explore my darker side.  OUR darker sides.  And fucking hell, she was perfect.

But how could we meet?  She was with her boyfriend, I had my girlfriend... Plus money wasn't exactly flowing for either of us.  It was impossible.  So we carried on, online, by text, over the phone.  In doing so, I learned a valuable lesson about BDSM that I still live by.

It's all in the mind.

Your submission is a gift to give, not to be taken.  A sub controls her submission, and no matter how big or Dominant you act, she may not feel submissive towards you.  It's the words you use, the way you give commands and how you handle her.  That's what a LOT of the fake online Doms simply don't get.  You don't click your fingers and a sub falls to her knees. (Well, fake ones do but they're just as bad)

With Alex, we had a mental connection.  I still didn't really know what she looked like (not having MMS, or able to scan photos back then) but I had her description in my mind always.

Time moved on and I met a submissive, called Sally and Alex was starting to come out of her shell, experimenting with her BF.  Sally and I didn't last long, as she was in Oxford at Uni, I was in London and getting time alone wasn't easy.  After we decided it wasn't working, I went back and looked for other subs online, still crazy about Alex but knowing full well I could never have her physically.

No-one else came close to her.  One sub even made me so pissed off that I decided that I would never touch BDSM again, as it was full of mind-fuckery and players.  I rebounded so hard back into the vanilla world that when I met Charley, I just said, "this'll do".

Massive, massive mistake.  It didn't take me long to realise what a great many of the people reading this already know.  When you experience the BDSM lifestyle and enjoy it, you can never leave.  Once you know you're a Dom/Master/Domme/Top/etc or a sub/bottom/slave/etc it's pointless to try and deny it.  You are who you are.  I often suspect that many people's sexualities should include BDSM as a choice (not just gay/straight/bi) because BDSM can open many possibilities in a relationship.  But I'm digressing (and might make a good blog for another day!)

I was with Charley and outwardly happy.  She asked to move in with me after 3 months (alarm bells!) and wanted to get engaged a little while after that (alarm bells!) but I was so confused about what I wanted, I just went along with it.  Alex and I rarely talked anymore.  I was not allowed on MSN or any chatrooms, and Charley was forever checking my phone for texts or calls (ALARM BELLS!!!)

But I needed her.  Sex with Charley was insanely ordinary.  I had to close my eyes, think of porn, think of anal, think of Alex to ever climax.  Charley was happy to just lay there, hated giving oral sex, hated porn and as for even being spanked, or cuffed?  That was for perverts.

By now, I was working elsewhere and was given a work mobile.  Could this be the answer?  I e-mailed Alex, hoping she still accessed that address.  She did.  Swapped numbers and began talking again, almost as if we'd never parted.

I did marry Charley (fucking idiot) and carried on talking to Alex. A year or so later, my phone was upgraded.  And it had a camera.  So did Alex's phone...  One night, we were texting, and we were flirting.  I asked to see her tits.  She showed me, but had her hand covering her nipples.  I was masturbating, and showed her my cock...  She responded with another pic, this time, without hands.

Her breasts were magnificent.  So full and suckable. I wish I had been able to keep that picture, but it was my work phone and Charley could just decide to search it anytime.

I also saw Alex and she was gorgeous.

The pictures weren't being sent back and forth too much, it was expensive and risky.  But we did what we could.

Yes, Charley DID find out and again, Alex and I had to say our goodbyes.  So it was e-mail only (from work, of course).  Eventually, I got sick enough of being with Charley that I ended the marriage (I will blog about that one day too, nothing is as straightforward as it sounds!)

Alex wasn't happy with talking again, as I had treated her shamefully.  So I let her know I was around if she needed a friend to talk to...  And during the year between dumping Charley and finding Mindy (my next sub) we repaired our relationship, even if it was nothing like as intense as it was in the beginning.

We've grown apart in the years that followed.  She's still with her BF that she was with since we started talking.  I've had a marriage (shudder) and several subs in that time.  But she will always be my first.

I mean, come on.  With breasts like these?  (And yes, I have permission to show these.)

She is on Twitter and maybe one day she'll come out to play with you all!

We have an agreement that we only do online BDSM when I don't have a sub, and the times I do, we stay strictly friends only.  It's only fair and right.

So Alex, thank you for being you.  Thank you for helping me be the Dom I am, and aim to become.  You're an inspiration and a dirty bitch ;)

Even though we may never meet, I will always treasure our friendship.

Thank you all for reading.

-K-

My Name

Just a quick blog while my dinner is cooking...

I wanted to explain my Dom name 'Khaos'.

Back in 2000 when I started getting into BDSM and learning the lifestyle, I realised that to have an online presence I would need a pseudonym.  I didn't want something that made me out to be more/better than I was (being a newcomer), such as 'Dom4U' or 'LondonMaster', etc.  Equally, it couldn't be something that meant people could guess who I was.

My real name is Kevin (don't laugh - I blame my parents, Roland Rat and Harry Enfield daily) and I wanted a word that began with K.  Kite? No.  Kettle?  Fuck off.  Kestrel?  Cool but ruined by being a piss-flavoured lager substitute.

At the time, I was working for a massive company, selling lifts (elevators to the American followers!) and escalators, and I was on a 3 month secondment down to Bristol and Cardiff, while still living in South London.

So my life consisted of a LOT of travelling, back and forth, late nights, early starts...  One particular journey involved me leaving my house at 6am, to get to the Bristol office, collecting some files, then off to the Cardiff office for a meeting, and then driving up to Leicester for a team meeting the next morning.  With days like that and driving all over Somerset, Avon, South Wales, Herefordshire, Worcestershire, I was constantly shattered.  Didn't know if I was coming or going.

My life was chaos.

Chaos.

That's it!!  It was a cool word and fitted the 'K' sound, but obviously it needed to be spelt different, so Khaos was born.

I've used it on and off in various forms across many forums, chat rooms, message boards (except when I was married *shudder* - will blog about that one day) and although it's not an uncommon name, being a Marvel Superhero and an energy drink among many examples.

However, it does have some lovely artwork...

The last one I liked so much, it's now my Twitter background!

Hope that answers that question, sorry it's not more salacious!

Talk more, soon!

-K-

LOST! The Answers.

This is on behalf of one of my Twitterati, Killer Cowgirl.  You're welcome.
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I miss Lost.  I really do.  It was PROPER event television, with anticipation building to fever pitch before every new season.  Oh, and their cliffhangers.

But alas, it ended.  And in the eyes of many, it left so many dangling plotlines, that the six series worth of build up was wasted.

However, I disagree.  I think all (if not, 99%) of all plotlines were explained, even if it meant you (the viewer) had to think about it.  And I LOVE that.  I love watching something and being made to think.  If I wanted everything to be explained to me, I'd go to nursery.  Equally, I don't like shows/films that explain nothing.  Annoying.   Starting to digress now...

But with Lost, I feel it ended perfected.  And while perusing some Lost forums, I found a post by a guy claiming to be one of the writers on the show.  While anyone can claim this, I think his views have a LOT of merit, and I'm willing to subscribe to his views.  I'll copy the post below:

The Island:

It was real. Everything that happened on the island that we saw throughout the 6 seasons was real.  They really crashed. They really survived. They really discovered Dharma and the Others. The Island keeps the balance of good and evil in the world. It always has and always will perform that role. And the Island will always need a "Protector". Jacob wasn't the first, Hurley won't be the last. However, Jacob had to deal with a malevolent force (MIB) that his mother, nor Hurley had to deal with. He created the devil and had to find a way to kill him -- even though the rules prevented him from actually doing so.

Thus began Jacob's plan to bring candidates to the Island to do the one thing he couldn't do. Kill the MIB. He had a huge list of candidates that spanned generations. Yet everytime he brought people there, the MIB corrupted them and caused them to kill one another. That was until Richard came along and helped Jacob understand that if he didn't take a more active role, then his plan would never work.

Enter Dharma -- which I'm not sure why people are having such a hard time grasping. Dharma, like the countless scores of people that were brought to the island before, were brought there by Jacob as part of his plan to kill the MIB. However, the MIB was aware of this plan and interfered by "corrupting" Ben. Making Ben believe he was doing the work of Jacob when in reality he was doing the work of the MIB. This carried over into all of Ben's "off-island" activities. He was the leader. He spoke for Jacob as far as they were concerned. So the "Others" killed Dharma and later were actively trying to kill Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Hurley and all the candidates because that's what the MIB wanted. And what he couldn't do for himself.

Dharma was originally brought in to be good. But was turned bad by MIB's corruption and eventually destroyed by his pawn Ben. Now, was Dharma only brought there to help Jack and the other Candidates on their overall quest to kill Smokey? Or did Jacob have another list of
Candidates from the Dharma group that we were never aware of? That's a question that is purposely not answered because whatever answer the writers came up with would be worse than the one you come up with for yourself. Still ... Dharma's purpose is not "pointless" or even vague.
Hell, it's pretty blatant.

Still, despite his grand plan, Jacob wanted to give his "candidates" (our Lostaways) the one thing he, nor his brother, were ever afforded: free will. Hence him bringing a host of "candidates" through the decades and letting them "choose" which one would actually do the job in the end. Maybe he knew Jack would be the one to kill Flocke and that Hurley would be the protector in the end. Maybe he didn't. But that was always the key question of the show: Fate vs Free-will. Science vs Faith. Personally I think Jacob knew from the beginning what was going to happen and that everyone played a part over 6 seasons in helping Jack get to the point where he needed to be to kill Smokey and make Hurley the protector -- I know that's how a lot of the writers viewed it. But again, they won't answer that (nor should they) because that ruins the fun.

In the end, Jack got to do what he always wanted to do from the very first episode of the show: Save his fellow Lostaways. He got Kate and Sawyer off the island and he gave Hurley the purpose in life he'd always been missing.  And, in Sideways world (which we'll get to next) he in fact saved everyone by helping them all move on...

Now...

Sideways World:

Sideways world is where it gets really cool in terms of theology and metaphysical discussion (for me at least -- because I love history/religion theories and loved all the talks in the writer's room about it). Basically what the show is proposing is that we're all linked to certain people during our lives. Call them soulmates (though it's not exactly the best word). But these people we're linked to are with us during "the most important moments of our lives" as Christian said. These are the people we move through the universe with from lifetime to lifetime. It's loosely based in Hinduisim with large doses of western religion thrown into the mix.

The concept that the writers created, basing it off these religious philosophies, was that as a group, the Lostaways subconsciously created this "sideways" world where they exist in purgatory until they are "awakened" and find one another. Once they all find one another, they can then move on and move forward. In essence, this is the show's concept of the afterlife. According to the show, everyone creates their own "Sideways" purgatory with their "soulmates" throughout their lives and exist there until they all move on together. That's a beautiful notion. Even if you aren't religious or even spirtual, the idea that we live AND die together is deeply profound and moving.

It's a really cool and spirtual concept that fits the whole tone and subtext the show has had from the beginning. These people were SUPPOSED to be together on that plane. They were supposed to live through these events -- not JUST because of Jacob. But because that's what the universe or God (depending on how religious you wish to get) wanted to happen. The show was always about science vs faith -- and it ultimately came down on the side of faith. It answered THE core question of the series. The one question that has been at the root of every island mystery, every character backstory, every plot twist. That, by itself, is quite an accomplishment.

How much you want to extrapolate from that is up to you as the viewer. Think about season 1 when we first found the Hatch. Everyone thought that's THE answer! Whatever is down there is the answer! Then, as we discovered it was just one station of many. One link in a very long chain that kept revealing more, and more of a larger mosiac.

But the writer's took it even further this season by contrasting this Sideways "purgatory" with the Island itself. Remember when Michael appeared to Hurley, he said he was not allowed to leave the Island. Just like the MIB. He wasn't allowed into this sideways world and thus, was not afforded the opportunity to move on. Why? Because he had proven himself to be unworthy with his actions on the Island. He failed the test. The others, passed. They made it into Sideways world when they died -- some before Jack, some years later. In Hurley's case, maybe centuries later. They exist in this sideways world until they are "awakened" and they can only move on TOGETHER because they are linked. They are destined to be together for eternity. That was their destiny.

They were NOT linked to Anna Lucia, Daniel, Roussou, Alex, Miles, Lupidis, (and all the rest who weren't in the church -- basically everyone who wasn't in season 1). Yet those people exist in Sideways world. Why? Well again, here's where they leave it up to you to decide. The way I like to think about it, is that those people who were left behind in Sideways world have to find their own soulmates before they can wake up. It's possible that those links aren't people from the island but from their other life (Anna's partner, the guy she shot --- Roussou's husband, etc etc).

A lot of people have been talking about Ben and why he didn't go into the Church. And if you think of Sideways world in this way, then it gives you the answer to that very question. Ben can't move on yet because he hasn't connected with the people he needs to. It's going to be his job to awaken Roussou, Alex, Anna Lucia (maybe), Ethan, Goodspeed, his father and the rest. He has to atone for his sins more than he did by being Hurley's number two. He has to do what Hurley and Desmond did for our Lostaways with his own people. He has to help them connect. And he can only move on when all the links in his chain are ready to. Same can be said for Faraday, Charlotte, Whidmore, Hawkins etc. It's really a neat, and cool concept. At least to me.

But, from a more "behind the scenes" note: the reason Ben's not in the church, and the reason no one is in the church but for Season 1 people is because they wrote the ending to the show after writing the pilot. And never changed it. The writers always said (and many didn't believe them) that they knew their ending from the very first episode. I applaud them for that. It's pretty fantastic. Originally Ben was supposed to have a 3 episode arc and be done. But he became a big part of the show. They could have easily changed their ending and put him in the church -- but instead they problem solved it. Gave him a BRILLIANT moment with Locke outside the church ... and then that was it. I loved that. For those that wonder -- the original ending started the moment Jack walked into the church and touches the casket to Jack closing his eyes as the other plane flies away. That was always JJ's ending. And they kept it.

For me the ending of this show means a lot. Not only because I worked on it, but because as a writer it inspired me in a way the medium had never done before. I've been inspired to write by great films. Maybe too many to count. And there have been amazing TV shows that I've loved (X-Files, 24, Sopranos, countless 1/2 hour shows). But none did what LOST did for me. None showed me that you could take huge risks (writing a show about faith for network TV) and stick to your creative guns and STILL please the audience. I learned a lot from the show as a writer. I learned even more from being around the incredible writers, producers, PAs, interns and everyone else who slaved on the show for 6 years.

In the end, for me, LOST was a touchstone show that dealt with faith, the afterlife, and all these big, spirtual questions that most shows don't touch. And to me, they never once waivered from their core story -- even with all the sci-fi elements they mixed in. To walk that long and daunting of a creative tightrope and survive is simply astounding.

Just awesome.  And really, if you think about it, it makes SO much sense.


I will miss Jack, Sawyer, Locke, Kate, Ben, Sayid and most of all, Hurley.   Thanks guys, and the rest of you.  You may be gone from our screens, but you left a gap that may never be filled.

And you'll always live on, in DVD form.

The Introduction

Always important, yet often overlooked.  The FIRST BLOG!

And what better way to get this thing started than to tell you all about myself and why I'm writing a blog.

This blog is my way of discussing BDSM, kinks, and so forth in complete privacy without friends, family and (more importantly) work colleagues seeing it.  It's a shame, really, that many of us in the lifestyle can't be more open with 'vanillas', thanks to the negative press we tend to get.

In many respects, I see the BDSM lifestyle as homosexuality was seen back in the 50's and earlier.  It's there but the fear and labels stop many of us from being 'out of the closet' as such.  I think it will get easier (and for all it's faults, books like '50 Shades of Grey' help to bring the lifestyle into mainstream) but for the time being, we remain hidden.

That's not to say that being hidden doesn't have it's advantages.  I'm not one for shoving my interests down people's throats and it's nice to not have to keep justifying what I like.  When it's 'our dirty little secret' it's somehow more of a turn-on.

But back to me.

I've been into BDSM for about 12 years now.  Like many others, I started by watching porn, saw some BDSM porn and was immediately hooked.  So I watched more, read up on more, joined message boards...  Got talking to a sub who was a couple of years younger than me and similarly needed training.  So we trained together, explored limits (initially online but then in person).

We both loved it.  Distance played a part in our split but I was on my way to being a Dom.  The next sub was online again and she was trained.  Perhaps she played me, I'm still not sure but she hurt me quite badly and made me question the lifestyle.  STUPIDLY I rebounded into a vanilla relationship, which developed into marriage (I won't go into the ins and outs of why it failed but it wasn't JUST because I wanted to get back into BDSM and she hated the idea - yes I did ask!) but after that, I knew I was a Dom.  I HAD to be a Dom.  Anything less was never going to be enough now.

I was, so to speak, out of the closet (to myself, if not to the public) and the rest is history.

But how would I describe myself, Dom-wise?  Well, I think my biggest plus point is that I'm very patient.  You hear SO many stories of potential subs that have had bad experiences with Doms (and worse, fake Doms) where they've been rushed, or pushed into doing things before they were ready.  Communication is vital (and probably why I personally prefer to speak to subs online before meeting them in real life) and it sets limits, establishes boundaries, gets you to know the person you're going to commit to.  No two subs are the same and likewise, all Doms/Masters are different too, all with their own limits and preferences.  It then becomes a matter of ticking boxes.

I'm also very attentive; I pay attention - which is rare in men, let alone Doms, so I'm told.

Being honest, I haven't really explored my sadistic side overly much but it's something I would like to do, with the right sub.

I don't really have limits (other than those covered by the law) but I wouldn't take advantage of any sub that was inebriated or otherwise not in control of their faculties (except where they agreed to it beforehand).

I don't want to live the lifestyle 24/7.  Just in the bedroom is fine for me.  Whilst I'm very Dominant in the bed room, outside I am equally minded.  I like sharing duties, being a gentleman.  It's the Jeckyl & Hyde nature of it, I think.

I'm going to wrap this up now, I hate talking about myself, but felt it worth letting anyone that reads this know a bit more about me.  If you have any questions, use my Formspring account, or follow me on Twitter.

Talk soon!

-K-