So, I love this lifestyle. It's so free-thinking, so open and
frankly, unless the law is broken, then anything goes. Obviously there
are some kinks I don't 'get', like crush fetishes, some I get but have
no interest in, like masochism.
And then there's the batshit crazy ones like "Bug Chasing" (sleeping
with people in order to catch diseases), vorarephilia (cannibalism) and
apotemnophilia (google it). I know the whole YKINMKBYKIOK thing but...
Fuck me.
There is one fetish that I've seen a lot on Fetlife, and it troubles
me a lot. Financial Domination (or FinDom, as it has unsurprisingly
been abbreviated to) is the act of having a submissive that is forced to
supply money or gifts to their Dominant or even giving their Dominant
control over their finances (such as credit cards, bank accounts, etc).
A quick peruse around Fetlife will lead to one question. Why is it only submissive men that enjoy FinDom? Oh yes, of course. BECAUSE MEN ARE INHERENTLY FUCKING STUPID.
Women are smart enough to realise that giving their Dominant access
to their money is a foolish, irresponsible thing to do. Buying your
Dominant a present, is fine, as it is in reverse. But to have a
Dominant DEMAND it, that stinks.
You cannot buy affection. FinDom is barely disguised prostitution,
and while I have no problems with prostitution, I do have a problem with
having it dressed up as a legitimate kink.
Domination/submission is
meant to be a mutually fulfilling relationship but if it were, there
would not be a gender imbalance. But there is.
I’m not seeking to stop it, if you’re a ‘paypig’ and it makes you
happy, then so be it. I just think you’re stupid and you need to
realise you’re not submissive, you just enjoy being taken for a damn
ride.
Sunday 3 April 2016
Atheism and BDSM
So yes, I’m an atheist. I don’t believe in God. I don’t believe in
ANY form of higher power, or that humanity was created by a celestial
being.
(Oh, and if you’re religious, then I’m not saying you don’t have the right to worship a deity or whatever. You have every right to be wrong.)
I was born and raised a Christian (Roman Catholic) and I will admit, I was – for a long time – very prejudicial in my views. Gays? Vile people. Other religions? They’re gonna burn in HELL! Looking back, I do feel deeply ashamed of how close-minded I was.
So what made me become more enlightened, accepting and open-minded?
BDSM.
Well, partly. That, and a healthy fucking dose of common sense.
Anytime someone outside of kink asks me about BDSM and my role, one of the first things they say is “Isn’t that degrading to women?” and of course I reply that it’s not. After all, reverse the roles and you’ll rarely be asked if it’s degrading to men. The main point is, as all you kinky fuckers know, it’s all down to consent. To deny a submissive her desire to be submissive, and all it entails because of her gender is precisely the sort of misogyny that the non-kinkster would happily accuse me of enabling.
Once you realise that, despite the roles of Dominant and submissive (or the many derivatives thereof), the TRUE power lies with the submissive, it all suddenly makes sense. However, that’s a blog for another time.
It’s the preconceived notions and, yes, prejudices from people outside the BDSM life that really made me question MY prejudices.
If they had NO right to judge me on my kinks, my interests, then who am I to judge others? Why should I be anti-homosexuals or transsexuals? Why is their choice of lifestyle any different to mine? The more I thought about it, the more I realised how hypocritical I was. And, as cliché as it sounds, it really was like having a lightbulb switched on in my head.
Thereafter, of course, I started thinking why I had become so prejudiced and I concluded it was my upbringing. Not my parents as such, they were always pretty cool and if they had any prejudices, they kept them pretty well hidden (and if they were kinksters too, they kept that especially well hidden…) No, it was the fact that I was raised as a Catholic, with Catholic teachings, with Christian friends. Surrounded with that dogma shaped my thinking, shamefully. Luckily, being in the UK, we weren’t taught Creationism as a science (sorry, America, but that’s just stupid, right there!) so I was given a head-start in my atheistic musings.
Science always wins over religion. Always. Please, I implore you, go to YouTube, and listen to the likes of Bill Nye or Neil deGrasse Tyson. Listen to what they say about the world, how it works, where it came from. Tell me it doesn’t compel you to want to learn more.
If there’s something that science hasn’t got an answer for, that doesn’t mean ‘God did it.’ It just means that science hasn’t discovered it yet. But chances are, it will. WAsn’t that long ago that everyone on Earth knew for sure that the planet was flat. Who knows what we’ll know in 50 years’ time, compared to today?
Anyway, got mildly side-tracked there. Do I think BDSM practitioners would be better off without religion? Absolutely, but then I think everyone would be. However, to be true to the spirit and ethos of BDSM, means not having the sort of prejudices that poison the mind; the type of poison that only religion can inflict. Free your minds from irrelevant teachings that are hundreds of years out of date and have NO bearing on the world we live in today.
And don’t get me fucking started on astrologers and psychics.
(Oh, and if you’re religious, then I’m not saying you don’t have the right to worship a deity or whatever. You have every right to be wrong.)
I was born and raised a Christian (Roman Catholic) and I will admit, I was – for a long time – very prejudicial in my views. Gays? Vile people. Other religions? They’re gonna burn in HELL! Looking back, I do feel deeply ashamed of how close-minded I was.
So what made me become more enlightened, accepting and open-minded?
BDSM.
Well, partly. That, and a healthy fucking dose of common sense.
Anytime someone outside of kink asks me about BDSM and my role, one of the first things they say is “Isn’t that degrading to women?” and of course I reply that it’s not. After all, reverse the roles and you’ll rarely be asked if it’s degrading to men. The main point is, as all you kinky fuckers know, it’s all down to consent. To deny a submissive her desire to be submissive, and all it entails because of her gender is precisely the sort of misogyny that the non-kinkster would happily accuse me of enabling.
Once you realise that, despite the roles of Dominant and submissive (or the many derivatives thereof), the TRUE power lies with the submissive, it all suddenly makes sense. However, that’s a blog for another time.
It’s the preconceived notions and, yes, prejudices from people outside the BDSM life that really made me question MY prejudices.
If they had NO right to judge me on my kinks, my interests, then who am I to judge others? Why should I be anti-homosexuals or transsexuals? Why is their choice of lifestyle any different to mine? The more I thought about it, the more I realised how hypocritical I was. And, as cliché as it sounds, it really was like having a lightbulb switched on in my head.
Thereafter, of course, I started thinking why I had become so prejudiced and I concluded it was my upbringing. Not my parents as such, they were always pretty cool and if they had any prejudices, they kept them pretty well hidden (and if they were kinksters too, they kept that especially well hidden…) No, it was the fact that I was raised as a Catholic, with Catholic teachings, with Christian friends. Surrounded with that dogma shaped my thinking, shamefully. Luckily, being in the UK, we weren’t taught Creationism as a science (sorry, America, but that’s just stupid, right there!) so I was given a head-start in my atheistic musings.
Science always wins over religion. Always. Please, I implore you, go to YouTube, and listen to the likes of Bill Nye or Neil deGrasse Tyson. Listen to what they say about the world, how it works, where it came from. Tell me it doesn’t compel you to want to learn more.
If there’s something that science hasn’t got an answer for, that doesn’t mean ‘God did it.’ It just means that science hasn’t discovered it yet. But chances are, it will. WAsn’t that long ago that everyone on Earth knew for sure that the planet was flat. Who knows what we’ll know in 50 years’ time, compared to today?
Anyway, got mildly side-tracked there. Do I think BDSM practitioners would be better off without religion? Absolutely, but then I think everyone would be. However, to be true to the spirit and ethos of BDSM, means not having the sort of prejudices that poison the mind; the type of poison that only religion can inflict. Free your minds from irrelevant teachings that are hundreds of years out of date and have NO bearing on the world we live in today.
And don’t get me fucking started on astrologers and psychics.
VIsiting Rights (Part 1) - Erotica
Ginnie sat in Daddy’s chair. He had given her strict instructions when he left for work that morning:
“Princess, when you come home this afternoon, I want the front room spotless, and you sitting in my seat at 6pm prompt. Do not disappoint me.
All my love,
Daddy”
The vacuuming had been done, the dusting had been done and everything was in the proper place. She looked at the room and felt the pride swell inside her. She knew Daddy was not overly fussy about chores, and he helped out, but when he told her to do something, she did it. It excited her when Daddy was commanding; it meant he was planning something special.
The time was crawling. She was getting more and more nervous as the minutes passed. She knew he’d be on time, Daddy was never late.
6pm and no Daddy. She felt a twinge of disappointment and was about to get up when she heard a key at the door. Her heart started beating rapidly, she clasped her knees and bit her lip.
“Princess? Are you ready?” he called out. Before she answered, he had appeared in the doorway.
“Yes Daddy,” she replied politely.
He sat on the sofa, nearest to where she sat. “Babygirl, you know how we spoke about how Daddy loves you very much and wants to treat you, spoil you and look after you?” She nodded. “And I said how one thing Daddy couldn’t give you was the milk a little girl needs from Mummy’s breasts?” She nodded quickly, gripping her knees harder. The floorboards in the hallway creaked, the unmistakeable sound of someone else standing out of sight.
“Well, Daddy has a special surprise for you. Come here, Mummy!” Ginnie turned her head to the doorway, and watched as a woman appeared, dressed in a smart coat and red silk scarf. She was gorgeous. Ginnie looked her up and down, and suddenly felt the familiar feeling of warmth between her legs. The woman sat next to Daddy, unbuttoning her coat. It was then Ginnie noticed her breasts, bulging in a low cut dress. She felt embarrassed, almost inadequate as she remembered her modest B-cup breasts. Daddy had always said how much he loved them but looking at this woman’s chest, she couldn’t help but think.
“Hello Ginnie” the woman said. “Your Daddy has told me all about you, and I had to meet you to see for myself. And he’s right! You are a stunning little girl.”
Ginnie’s face began feeling warm, as the blood rose into her cheeks. “Th… Thank you, um, Mummy?” She glanced as Daddy, who was smiling at his clever girl.
“Yes, darling. You can call me Mummy” she said as she stood up, and removed her coat and scarf. Ginnie saw how her long, black hair fell down her back, the dress was a dark blue and clung to her full, voluptuous figure. Ginnie could not help but wonder what was under that dress.
Daddy stood up too. “My babygirl needs the nourishing milk from Mummy’s boobs, would you be able to oblige, Mummy?”
Ginnie watched as the two grown-ups smiled at each other.
“Oh yes, Daddy. I think she’ll love anything I can give her” As she spoke, her hands began caressing her breasts.
“Come princess,” said Daddy, “let’s go and get you ready…” He held out his hand, which Ginnie meekly took, and he walked her into the bedroom.
The bed was immaculate, as always, the silky purple bedspread catching the sunlight from the window. Daddy walked over and closed the curtains, and turned on the bedside lamp.
“Get undressed, baby” he said. Ginnie was so nervous, she did not register what he said. “Sweetheart!” Daddy’s stern voice always made Ginnie both scared and excited. She looked at him, the stern look in his eyes made her legs week. “I said to get undressed, now.”
She began unbuttoning her blouse, looked at Mummy, who was standing next to Daddy, staring at her. She pulled down her fluffy pink shorts, and stood in her bra and knickers.
“Carry on, angel” said Daddy. She nervously reached behind and unhooked her bra. She slowly let the straps fall down her arms, and it fell to the floor. She crossed her arms, feeling the eyes of the grown-ups on her erect nipples.
Daddy walked over and stood in front of her. He pulled her arms from her chest, and placed them by her side. Mummy joined them, tracing her fingers through Ginnie’s long dark hair.
“Isn’t she just precious?” said Mummy. “I love these tits, they are so perky!” Ginnie felt Mummy’s warm hand cupping her left breast, gently caressing and stroking it. Daddy slid his thumbs down her hips, into her panties, and gently pushed them down her leg.
“Oh, look Daddy! She has no hair at all on her little girl parts, just as all little girls should!” Ginnie was breathing hard, acutely aware of the heat and moisture that was emanating between her legs
Daddy stroked her face, then kissed her on the lips. Mummy was still playing with her breast, and her hair. She was scared, apprehensive but ever so turned on. Daddy was in control and she trusted him completely. He picked her up in his big arms, and laid her on the bed. He kissed her firmly, while unbuttoning his shirt, then his trousers, allowing them to fall in a heap on the floor. Ginnie felt the bed dip, as Mummy lay next to her. She turned and saw Mummy completely naked, and smiling. Her breasts were so big, her nipples hard, and dark pink.
“Come and drink from Mummy, darling” Ginnie looked at Daddy, nervously, silently asking permission.
Daddy smiled. “Go ahead, baby, do it.” She turned back to Mummy and put her face against Mummy’s breast, which Mummy was squeezing gently. Ginnie opened her mouth and took the nipple in, sucking on it gently, slowly, gazing up into Mummy’s eyes. She felt Mummy put her arms around the back of her head, cradling her. Ginnie sucked harder.
She felt Daddy’s hand on her bare bottom, touching it all over, using his fingertips. She instinctively opened her legs as Daddy guided his hands between her legs. He caressed her, the way only her Daddy could, and she started sucking on Mummy’s breast quicker.
Daddy whispered in her ear, “You’re a hungry little one, aren’t you?” and continued masturbating her, gradually getting faster. She felt Mummy’s fingertips on her nipple, gently stroking and teasing it, feeling the surge of excitement each time Mummy let her fingernail touch.
Almost without warning, the orgasm arrived, catching Ginnie by surprise. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head, feeling Daddy’s fingers touching and probing between her legs, feeling her breasts being played with by Mummy, and sucking on Mummy’s beautiful, big nipple. Ginnie’s body shuddered and convulsed in pleasure, as the orgasm went through her whole being.
“What a good little girl!” both Daddy and Mummy said in unison, looking at each other, grinning.
Ginnie relaxed on the bed, between them, trying to catch her breath. She saw Mummy and Daddy smiling at each other.
She had NO idea what was about to happen…
(To Be Continued....)
“Princess, when you come home this afternoon, I want the front room spotless, and you sitting in my seat at 6pm prompt. Do not disappoint me.
All my love,
Daddy”
The vacuuming had been done, the dusting had been done and everything was in the proper place. She looked at the room and felt the pride swell inside her. She knew Daddy was not overly fussy about chores, and he helped out, but when he told her to do something, she did it. It excited her when Daddy was commanding; it meant he was planning something special.
The time was crawling. She was getting more and more nervous as the minutes passed. She knew he’d be on time, Daddy was never late.
6pm and no Daddy. She felt a twinge of disappointment and was about to get up when she heard a key at the door. Her heart started beating rapidly, she clasped her knees and bit her lip.
“Princess? Are you ready?” he called out. Before she answered, he had appeared in the doorway.
“Yes Daddy,” she replied politely.
He sat on the sofa, nearest to where she sat. “Babygirl, you know how we spoke about how Daddy loves you very much and wants to treat you, spoil you and look after you?” She nodded. “And I said how one thing Daddy couldn’t give you was the milk a little girl needs from Mummy’s breasts?” She nodded quickly, gripping her knees harder. The floorboards in the hallway creaked, the unmistakeable sound of someone else standing out of sight.
“Well, Daddy has a special surprise for you. Come here, Mummy!” Ginnie turned her head to the doorway, and watched as a woman appeared, dressed in a smart coat and red silk scarf. She was gorgeous. Ginnie looked her up and down, and suddenly felt the familiar feeling of warmth between her legs. The woman sat next to Daddy, unbuttoning her coat. It was then Ginnie noticed her breasts, bulging in a low cut dress. She felt embarrassed, almost inadequate as she remembered her modest B-cup breasts. Daddy had always said how much he loved them but looking at this woman’s chest, she couldn’t help but think.
“Hello Ginnie” the woman said. “Your Daddy has told me all about you, and I had to meet you to see for myself. And he’s right! You are a stunning little girl.”
Ginnie’s face began feeling warm, as the blood rose into her cheeks. “Th… Thank you, um, Mummy?” She glanced as Daddy, who was smiling at his clever girl.
“Yes, darling. You can call me Mummy” she said as she stood up, and removed her coat and scarf. Ginnie saw how her long, black hair fell down her back, the dress was a dark blue and clung to her full, voluptuous figure. Ginnie could not help but wonder what was under that dress.
Daddy stood up too. “My babygirl needs the nourishing milk from Mummy’s boobs, would you be able to oblige, Mummy?”
Ginnie watched as the two grown-ups smiled at each other.
“Oh yes, Daddy. I think she’ll love anything I can give her” As she spoke, her hands began caressing her breasts.
“Come princess,” said Daddy, “let’s go and get you ready…” He held out his hand, which Ginnie meekly took, and he walked her into the bedroom.
The bed was immaculate, as always, the silky purple bedspread catching the sunlight from the window. Daddy walked over and closed the curtains, and turned on the bedside lamp.
“Get undressed, baby” he said. Ginnie was so nervous, she did not register what he said. “Sweetheart!” Daddy’s stern voice always made Ginnie both scared and excited. She looked at him, the stern look in his eyes made her legs week. “I said to get undressed, now.”
She began unbuttoning her blouse, looked at Mummy, who was standing next to Daddy, staring at her. She pulled down her fluffy pink shorts, and stood in her bra and knickers.
“Carry on, angel” said Daddy. She nervously reached behind and unhooked her bra. She slowly let the straps fall down her arms, and it fell to the floor. She crossed her arms, feeling the eyes of the grown-ups on her erect nipples.
Daddy walked over and stood in front of her. He pulled her arms from her chest, and placed them by her side. Mummy joined them, tracing her fingers through Ginnie’s long dark hair.
“Isn’t she just precious?” said Mummy. “I love these tits, they are so perky!” Ginnie felt Mummy’s warm hand cupping her left breast, gently caressing and stroking it. Daddy slid his thumbs down her hips, into her panties, and gently pushed them down her leg.
“Oh, look Daddy! She has no hair at all on her little girl parts, just as all little girls should!” Ginnie was breathing hard, acutely aware of the heat and moisture that was emanating between her legs
Daddy stroked her face, then kissed her on the lips. Mummy was still playing with her breast, and her hair. She was scared, apprehensive but ever so turned on. Daddy was in control and she trusted him completely. He picked her up in his big arms, and laid her on the bed. He kissed her firmly, while unbuttoning his shirt, then his trousers, allowing them to fall in a heap on the floor. Ginnie felt the bed dip, as Mummy lay next to her. She turned and saw Mummy completely naked, and smiling. Her breasts were so big, her nipples hard, and dark pink.
“Come and drink from Mummy, darling” Ginnie looked at Daddy, nervously, silently asking permission.
Daddy smiled. “Go ahead, baby, do it.” She turned back to Mummy and put her face against Mummy’s breast, which Mummy was squeezing gently. Ginnie opened her mouth and took the nipple in, sucking on it gently, slowly, gazing up into Mummy’s eyes. She felt Mummy put her arms around the back of her head, cradling her. Ginnie sucked harder.
She felt Daddy’s hand on her bare bottom, touching it all over, using his fingertips. She instinctively opened her legs as Daddy guided his hands between her legs. He caressed her, the way only her Daddy could, and she started sucking on Mummy’s breast quicker.
Daddy whispered in her ear, “You’re a hungry little one, aren’t you?” and continued masturbating her, gradually getting faster. She felt Mummy’s fingertips on her nipple, gently stroking and teasing it, feeling the surge of excitement each time Mummy let her fingernail touch.
Almost without warning, the orgasm arrived, catching Ginnie by surprise. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head, feeling Daddy’s fingers touching and probing between her legs, feeling her breasts being played with by Mummy, and sucking on Mummy’s beautiful, big nipple. Ginnie’s body shuddered and convulsed in pleasure, as the orgasm went through her whole being.
“What a good little girl!” both Daddy and Mummy said in unison, looking at each other, grinning.
Ginnie relaxed on the bed, between them, trying to catch her breath. She saw Mummy and Daddy smiling at each other.
She had NO idea what was about to happen…
(To Be Continued....)
Grey Matters...
So, 50 Fifty Shades of Grey.
It's been a while since I've blogged. Totally my fault; a mixture of writers block, dead laptops, loss of passwords, and relationships has meant that I have severely neglected this place. However, a recent discussion regarding 50 Shades of Grey has kinda got my creative juices flowing again, and I thought it best to strike while the iron was hot.
What is it about the books that have made them SO popular? I mean, it's not like they're the first books involving kinky shenanigans. Hell, the Marquis de Sade was producing stories hundreds of years ago. Even more recently, the Story of O (1954) and the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy (mid-80s) have been out, just as examples. There are many, many more. Something in the books caught the mood of the world just at the right time, the zeitgeist, if you will...
The obvious (yet little known) reason could be the connection to the simply awful Twilight books. 50 Shades started out as harmless fan-fiction with Bella and Edward (even the writing of their names is embarrassing to me…) and it grew from there. Never discount how popular those god-awful books were. And those films!
I should, at this point, make it perfectly clear that I have NEVER read the 50 Shades books. Nor the Twilight books for that matter (because I have a penis). So take everything I say with copious pinches of salt. If you’ve never read them either, all power to you. You’ve not missed much. Apparently.
But anyway, I was asked, “What do you, as a Dom, think of the 50 Shades novels?”
So I got to thinking. Having only ever read snippets, and heard many testimonies, both in favour and against, what DO I think of them? I had many conflicting opinions...
In Favour
Well, the obvious one is that thanks to the books, BDSM is now more in the mainstream than it has ever been. Spanking, light bondage, etc has become almost acceptable, as it should be.
I've often regarded it as being similar to homosexuality in the 60s or 70s, where you know it exists but it's considered wrong. It’s shameful. You didn't dare exclaim you're gay or you get beaten, mocked or ignored. Now of course, if someone says they're gay, no-one bats an eyelid, and rightly so. It’s no-one else’s business but theirs. If you don’t like or agree with homosexuality, don’t be a homosexual. Let them be what they want to be, and you be whatever you want. If only the same courtesy could be extended to those of us involved with BDSM.
You’re gay? Great!
You like to be chained up or whipping your sub? You’re a pervert, feel shame!
It really annoys me that we are really, the final ‘taboo’ to achieve acceptance, but I think it’ll happen. The 50 Shades books make the first step, the rest is up to us.
Against
The BDSM contained within the books is just such a badly researched and poorly
executed version that you have to wonder why anyone thought that even publishing the books was a worthwhile idea. The protagonists are miles far away from an authentic Dom/sub relationship and in many cases, it swings into just pure abuse, mental and physical. Grey is a control freak and not in the good way. No Dom would ever read his sub’s diary without permission, or just be an ignorant arsehole to her.
The mantra for BDSM, for those who don’t know, is “SSC”. Safe, Sane and
Consensual. From Wikipedia:
The principles are that BDSM activities should be:
(Yes, I know RACK could also apply but let’s just run with SSC for now, yeah?)
Like I said earlier, I’ve not read the books, but a quick few seconds of research turns up the following:
1 – Grey uses a tracking device to find Ana via her mobile in the first few chapters of the book. He finds her drunk and takes her home, undressing her while she’s totally intoxicated and virtually unconscious. He then tells her he’ll be keeping tabs on her.... Seriously. This is not a Dom, this is a future abuser.
2 – Aftercare is a huge part of BDSM. A Dom will always ensure his sub is comforted if necessary, as BDSM scenes can be (as you can imagine) very intense, and the sub could feel highly emotional, scared, maybe even traumatised, especially when new to the lifestyle. So what does Grey do to Ana, after her first spanking session? He ups and leaves. Seriously. This is not a Dom, this is a disrespectful bully.
3 – Quite aside from the earlier examples (being stripped while barely conscious, tracing her mobile without permission, etc) there are so many examples of Grey completely dismissing or ignoring the need for Ana’s consent that it’s clear that he has NO concept of ‘consent’. Bear in mind, Ana was a virgin before she met Grey; she has no idea of anything sexual, other than what he’s shown her. She doesn’t even masturbate. Rather than discuss her desires, her issues, her limits, he issues her with a contract which he insists she signs, regardless of if she likes it or not. She’s barely been introduced to sex, let alone BDSM. He also, later on, blatantly ignores her usage of a safeword. Seriously.
The mere writing of all that has pissed me off. And I’ve not even mentioned the poor prose within the book. Some examples:
"I can almost hear his sphinx-like smile through the phone."
"I flush at the waywardness of my subconscious - she's doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his."
"My very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba."
"I feel the colour in my cheeks rising again. I must be the colour of The Communist Manifesto."
"And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain - probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells - comes the thought: He's here to see you."
Utterly ridiculous. And this woman is now a multi-millionaire? Urgh.
So, in conclusion... It’s a wasted opportunity. Imagine if 50 Shades was written by someone that actually gave a damn about being accurate to the ethos and structures of BDSM? Imagine if all the millions of readers were learning the way a REAL Dom and a REAL sub interacted and behaved, rather than the ‘abusive stalker’ and ‘willing victim’ that the books portray.
In many ways it feels like we’ve taken one step forward, and two back. But the step forward is at least positive and must be followed up. But let’s hope the 50 Shades film doesn’t push things back further...
It's been a while since I've blogged. Totally my fault; a mixture of writers block, dead laptops, loss of passwords, and relationships has meant that I have severely neglected this place. However, a recent discussion regarding 50 Shades of Grey has kinda got my creative juices flowing again, and I thought it best to strike while the iron was hot.
What is it about the books that have made them SO popular? I mean, it's not like they're the first books involving kinky shenanigans. Hell, the Marquis de Sade was producing stories hundreds of years ago. Even more recently, the Story of O (1954) and the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy (mid-80s) have been out, just as examples. There are many, many more. Something in the books caught the mood of the world just at the right time, the zeitgeist, if you will...
The obvious (yet little known) reason could be the connection to the simply awful Twilight books. 50 Shades started out as harmless fan-fiction with Bella and Edward (even the writing of their names is embarrassing to me…) and it grew from there. Never discount how popular those god-awful books were. And those films!
I should, at this point, make it perfectly clear that I have NEVER read the 50 Shades books. Nor the Twilight books for that matter (because I have a penis). So take everything I say with copious pinches of salt. If you’ve never read them either, all power to you. You’ve not missed much. Apparently.
But anyway, I was asked, “What do you, as a Dom, think of the 50 Shades novels?”
So I got to thinking. Having only ever read snippets, and heard many testimonies, both in favour and against, what DO I think of them? I had many conflicting opinions...
In Favour
Well, the obvious one is that thanks to the books, BDSM is now more in the mainstream than it has ever been. Spanking, light bondage, etc has become almost acceptable, as it should be.
I've often regarded it as being similar to homosexuality in the 60s or 70s, where you know it exists but it's considered wrong. It’s shameful. You didn't dare exclaim you're gay or you get beaten, mocked or ignored. Now of course, if someone says they're gay, no-one bats an eyelid, and rightly so. It’s no-one else’s business but theirs. If you don’t like or agree with homosexuality, don’t be a homosexual. Let them be what they want to be, and you be whatever you want. If only the same courtesy could be extended to those of us involved with BDSM.
You’re gay? Great!
You like to be chained up or whipping your sub? You’re a pervert, feel shame!
It really annoys me that we are really, the final ‘taboo’ to achieve acceptance, but I think it’ll happen. The 50 Shades books make the first step, the rest is up to us.
Against
The BDSM contained within the books is just such a badly researched and poorly
executed version that you have to wonder why anyone thought that even publishing the books was a worthwhile idea. The protagonists are miles far away from an authentic Dom/sub relationship and in many cases, it swings into just pure abuse, mental and physical. Grey is a control freak and not in the good way. No Dom would ever read his sub’s diary without permission, or just be an ignorant arsehole to her.
The mantra for BDSM, for those who don’t know, is “SSC”. Safe, Sane and
Consensual. From Wikipedia:
The principles are that BDSM activities should be:
- safe: attempts should be made to identify and prevent risks to health
- sane: activities should be undertaken in a sane and sensible frame of mind
- consensual: all activities should involve the full consent of all parties involved.
(Yes, I know RACK could also apply but let’s just run with SSC for now, yeah?)
Like I said earlier, I’ve not read the books, but a quick few seconds of research turns up the following:
1 – Grey uses a tracking device to find Ana via her mobile in the first few chapters of the book. He finds her drunk and takes her home, undressing her while she’s totally intoxicated and virtually unconscious. He then tells her he’ll be keeping tabs on her.... Seriously. This is not a Dom, this is a future abuser.
2 – Aftercare is a huge part of BDSM. A Dom will always ensure his sub is comforted if necessary, as BDSM scenes can be (as you can imagine) very intense, and the sub could feel highly emotional, scared, maybe even traumatised, especially when new to the lifestyle. So what does Grey do to Ana, after her first spanking session? He ups and leaves. Seriously. This is not a Dom, this is a disrespectful bully.
3 – Quite aside from the earlier examples (being stripped while barely conscious, tracing her mobile without permission, etc) there are so many examples of Grey completely dismissing or ignoring the need for Ana’s consent that it’s clear that he has NO concept of ‘consent’. Bear in mind, Ana was a virgin before she met Grey; she has no idea of anything sexual, other than what he’s shown her. She doesn’t even masturbate. Rather than discuss her desires, her issues, her limits, he issues her with a contract which he insists she signs, regardless of if she likes it or not. She’s barely been introduced to sex, let alone BDSM. He also, later on, blatantly ignores her usage of a safeword. Seriously.
The mere writing of all that has pissed me off. And I’ve not even mentioned the poor prose within the book. Some examples:
"I can almost hear his sphinx-like smile through the phone."
"I flush at the waywardness of my subconscious - she's doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his."
"My very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba."
"I feel the colour in my cheeks rising again. I must be the colour of The Communist Manifesto."
"And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain - probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells - comes the thought: He's here to see you."
Utterly ridiculous. And this woman is now a multi-millionaire? Urgh.
So, in conclusion... It’s a wasted opportunity. Imagine if 50 Shades was written by someone that actually gave a damn about being accurate to the ethos and structures of BDSM? Imagine if all the millions of readers were learning the way a REAL Dom and a REAL sub interacted and behaved, rather than the ‘abusive stalker’ and ‘willing victim’ that the books portray.
In many ways it feels like we’ve taken one step forward, and two back. But the step forward is at least positive and must be followed up. But let’s hope the 50 Shades film doesn’t push things back further...
I'm Back!
Yeah, so for a while there I'd lost my password. And the e-mail I used to create this blog.
So I thought that was that, no more outpourings from my brain. You lot were in luck!
But NO MORE!
I had a sudden hit of inspiration (or rather I found the book in which I'd written the log in details) and, like the awakening of a loved one from a coma, I'm back.
Got a lot of catching up to do so... Here goes!
So I thought that was that, no more outpourings from my brain. You lot were in luck!
But NO MORE!
I had a sudden hit of inspiration (or rather I found the book in which I'd written the log in details) and, like the awakening of a loved one from a coma, I'm back.
Got a lot of catching up to do so... Here goes!
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